Stiletto University Q & A: Nobody Wants to Date a Control Freak
I often receive questions via my website, stilettou.com, and I thought it would be interesting to share some of them with you in this column. This week, S from Georgia wants to know how to stop running off men with her controlling ways. Here's what she says:
I'm a single mom and strong-willed person, and when I'm in a relationship I like to be in control. At first the men seem to like it but then the inevitable happens--they leave and I'm alone again. My friends say I need to be more submissive, but why do I have to play down my strengths to make a relationship work?
You absolutely should not play down your strengths to make your relationship work, but it sounds like you may need to make some adjustments. When you peel back the layers, my guess is that you are dealing with the age old issue-fear of being hurt or disappointed. If you're a single mom who has had to take care of everything on your own, your reality is that you're the only person you can depend on. But when you take that attitude into a relationship, it's bound to cause friction because successful relationships are all about partnership and compromise.
In a relationship, men need to feel needed and appreciated so if your vibe is always one of "I got this" or "You're not doing it right," it won't be long, as you discovered, that they decide to move on. Understanding this, however, doesn't mean that men don't appreciate a smart, strong and able woman. They just want that woman to be a partner, not a boss.
I totally recognize why the idea of being submissive upsets you. To most, being submissive means kowtowing or letting the man control you, which in your eyes, is unacceptable. So, try to think of it this way-instead of being submissive, think about simply being fair. If the man in your life wanted to control you and your relationship in the very same way you ultimately try to control them, how would you feel? If that doesn't sit right with you, I'd suggest that you begin to look for and find ways to loosen your grip and then pick your battles. Give your partner the same respect and freedom to be themselves as you demand.
Relinquish your need to control everything and everyone around you and see how much lighter, happier and smarter you'll become. Hope this helps.
Next week, C needs help deciding when is the right time to stop dating someone. If you've got a question, hit me up on stilettou.com or on twitter @stilettou
I often receive questions via my website, stilettou.com, and I thought it would be interesting to share some of them with you in this column. This week, S from Georgia wants to know how to stop running off men with her controlling ways. Here's what she says:
I'm a single mom and strong-willed person, and when I'm in a relationship I like to be in control. At first the men seem to like it but then the inevitable happens--they leave and I'm alone again. My friends say I need to be more submissive, but why do I have to play down my strengths to make a relationship work?
You absolutely should not play down your strengths to make your relationship work, but it sounds like you may need to make some adjustments. When you peel back the layers, my guess is that you are dealing with the age old issue-fear of being hurt or disappointed. If you're a single mom who has had to take care of everything on your own, your reality is that you're the only person you can depend on. But when you take that attitude into a relationship, it's bound to cause friction because successful relationships are all about partnership and compromise.
In a relationship, men need to feel needed and appreciated so if your vibe is always one of "I got this" or "You're not doing it right," it won't be long, as you discovered, that they decide to move on. Understanding this, however, doesn't mean that men don't appreciate a smart, strong and able woman. They just want that woman to be a partner, not a boss.
I totally recognize why the idea of being submissive upsets you. To most, being submissive means kowtowing or letting the man control you, which in your eyes, is unacceptable. So, try to think of it this way-instead of being submissive, think about simply being fair. If the man in your life wanted to control you and your relationship in the very same way you ultimately try to control them, how would you feel? If that doesn't sit right with you, I'd suggest that you begin to look for and find ways to loosen your grip and then pick your battles. Give your partner the same respect and freedom to be themselves as you demand.
Relinquish your need to control everything and everyone around you and see how much lighter, happier and smarter you'll become. Hope this helps.
Next week, C needs help deciding when is the right time to stop dating someone. If you've got a question, hit me up on stilettou.com or on twitter @stilettou
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Lori Bryant-Woolridge is a sensuality coach and advocate for healthy, sensual lifestyles. An Emmy award-winning writer, she has authored three best selling novels.
